A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
i hope my email finds you on fire
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’