Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Same pineapple, same
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.