It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician