Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
A drum solo but on your face.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
sin harder.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.