This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
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[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!