News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
This was the best day of my life
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
the three genders
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.