He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy