Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.