For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Me buying fruit and veg