I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
the best thing i’ve ever made