Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.