sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*Seductively hides in the woods
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.