[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My background check bounced.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?