As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.