There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Who did it better?