I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”