👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
You Might Also Like
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.