my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Living the best life.. 😊
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.