Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
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The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
No. He’s not coming out to play
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.