[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk