*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
new year update: losing everything but weight
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”