Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
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Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages