WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably