there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What