How do dragons blow out candles?
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.