They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
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2023 was just a warmup
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
beware of dog
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?