Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
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“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.