My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Oops
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right