I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[eulogy]
line?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’