The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK