Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I missed you with all my darts
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them