Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“You’d better run, egg!”
My brain is a bad influence on me
Natural selection at its finest
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.