[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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This checks out
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
meanwhile over on facebook
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby