Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
every single time
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems