only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Most fashion shows these days…
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
the #horror is real!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit