taking June’s advice to heart
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It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Woke up against my better judgment again
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.