Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I hope this email finds you in a well
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage