I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.