Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
u spoke cat all this time??????
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
So inspired right now.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I can also cook 😂