All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
You Might Also Like
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
lmao
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.