I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
me, after any kind of buffet.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.