you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly