I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
You Might Also Like
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
There鈥檚 no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I made you something special for Mother鈥檚 Day, my kid threatened.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 馃檨
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone鈥檚 hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.