I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
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MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊