if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.