When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
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Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Stop.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend