Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
what could possibly go wrong?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.