[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
are they though??
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it