Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Battery falling down a hole
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.