I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
it’s the silliest best thing
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does